The Pretty Good Pump Company

 

The Pretty Good Pump Company is a Member of the Christian Pump Network, so you can feel confident that you will get a pretty honest deal pretty much of the time.

 

PGPC's sole purpose on this earth is to provide pretty good pumps for people of all faiths. Although we specialize in ecumenical pumps, a limited number of secular and non-Christian models are available. If you cannot find what you are looking for, just ask for it in your prayers.* Atheists, agnostics, and Unitarians, may wish to contact us directly at -www.pgpc.com/god???

*Prayers will be answered in the order received.

 

Click here to get religion

 

This month's special offer - A free bottle of the Rev Jackson's favorite olive oil with every pump purchased.

 

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Pump Selection

The Agnostic Pump

The Baptist Pump

The Catholic Pump

The Christian Science Pump

The Episcopal Pump

The Jehovah's Witness Pump

The Jewish Pump

The Lutheran Pump

The Methodist Pump

The Mormon Pump

The Tao Pump

The Unitarian Pump

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Agnostic Pump

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Insofar as we may, or may not, be heard by anything, which may or may not care what we say, we ask, if it matters, that a pump be tailored to any particular religious or areligious conviction? Can it possibly insure any possible benefit for which we may be eligible after the destruction of our bodies? Even if it were diagnostic, which would allow us to lean in either direction, is it truly necessary? We ask these questions in our capacity as your intermediary between yourself and that which may not be yourself, but which may have an interest in the matter of pump design. Because of the difficulties these questions pose, PGPC has not yet decided upon a particular Agnostic Pump design. For the time being, which may or may not be forever, please select the least offensive of our other models.

 

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The Baptist Pump

 

Truly a simple pump for simple people. The Baptist Pump includes an instruction manual with over 50 easy to follow illustrations, many of which are redundant. Its oversized capacitor box has room to hide a full pint of Jack Black. The installation kit also includes a Ted Kennedy face mask which will protect your identity if you happen to run into another member of your congregation while resupplying.

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The Catholic Pump

 

To paraphrase Tom Lehrer, "you may have to get down upon your knees and fiddle with your rosaries" but you will never have to fiddle with the Catholic Pump from PGPC. Designed specifically for Catholic households, it carries a life time guarantee.* The basic model transforms plain H2O into H2OLY while the premium unit produces a somewhat proletarian yet drinkable red wine.

* Warranty void upon excommunication. Not designed for use in pergatory.

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The Christian Science Pump

 

Do you believe that a burned out light bulb can burn again? Are you unafraid of an appendicitis? If so, you will love the Christian Science Pump. Since it is self healing, repair parts are not available. And, as an added bonus, you may may qualify for our Christian Scientist's Anonymous, LLC health plan, which could come in handy just in case you are wrong.

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The Episcopal Pump

 

The Episcopal Pump is similar to the Catholic Pump in design. It is, however, a bit more refined and comes without nearly as many restrictions in it usage.

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The Jehovah's Witness Pump

 

You can knock on doors for the rest of your life and never find a pump this good. The ultimate in theocratic pumps, the Jehovah's Witness Pump answers only to God. It was created on the eighth day when he was fully rested, not on Saturday as were most others. Although other faiths may describe their pumps as "bad" or "mean", the Jehaovh's pump is totally devoid of wickedness.

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The Jewish Pump

If you have a history of wandering in the dessert without asking for directions, you know the importance of pure, fresh water. The Jewish Pump is ideal for the home or farm. Pig farmers love it! The salt water model is perfect for raising shellfish right there in your own back yard. The cost, you ask? Cheap!* You will probably save enough to take your favorite princess to Miami or maybe even put that kid through med school.

*Prices shown are firm, no bickering.

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The Lutheran Pump

 

Do you think Garrison Keillor's stories are totally factual? Do you believe butter to be a spice? Does your choir believe volume to be a reasonable substitute for tonality? Does a midlife crisis mean switching from the old hymnbook to a new one? If you can answer yes to these questions you are a perfect candidate for the Lutheran Pump. It is, without question, the most humble of pumps and survives those Minnesota winters without a single freeze up.

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The Methodist Pump

 

The Methodist Pump is an exact copy of the Baptist model. It does, however, include written instructions.

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The Mormon Pump

 

 

In a faith where mothers often show up pregnant at their kid's weddings, a pump really has to be long on performance. The Mormon Pump is definitely up to the task. Each model is packaged with a spare that you can store down there in the bomb shelter with all that other stuff you are required to keep on hand. As a courtesy to those who may be somewhat less saintly, we accept post dated checks on Sundays.

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The Tao Pump

 

With proper care the Tao pump's longevity can match the immortality of its owner. It is an example of pure simplicity and is always in harmony with the occurance of natural events even if those events are not in harmony with the it. The Tao pump -- the natural choice for the long haul.

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The Unitarian Pump

 

Need water? - No problem. Don't need water? - No problem. The Unitarian Pump is by far the most universal and flexible pump ever designed. It just has that certain je ne sais quoi. Even if you are not sure you really need a pump, it is the perfect choice. Its highly advanced, voice activated computer control system allows you discuss those philosophical, pump or not to pump, options to your heart's content.

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Just how pure is that olive oil you've been using all these years? Do you really understand the difference between virgin and extra virgin? Well, now you don't have to wonder because, with every pump ordered this month, you will receive a free bottle of the "least involved" olive oil available anywhere - - Immaculate Conception Olive Oil.

Remember, when you think purity - think Immaculate Conception.

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