The Pretty Good Pump Company
The Pretty Good
Pump Company is a Member of the Christian Pump Network, so you
can feel confident that you will get a pretty honest deal pretty
much of the time.
PGPC's sole purpose
on this earth is to provide pretty good pumps for people of all
faiths. Although we specialize in ecumenical pumps, a limited
number of secular and non-Christian models are available. If you
cannot find what you are looking for, just ask for it in your
prayers.* Atheists, agnostics, and Unitarians, may wish to contact
us directly at -www.pgpc.com/god???
will be answered in the order received.
to get religion
special offer - A free bottle
of the Rev Jackson's favorite olive oil with every pump purchased.
Thanks for dropping in. You are
The Agnostic Pump
Insofar as we may,
or may not, be heard by anything, which may or may not care what
we say, we ask, if it matters, that a pump be tailored to any
particular religious or areligious conviction? Can it possibly
insure any possible benefit for which we may be eligible after
the destruction of our bodies? Even if it were diagnostic, which
would allow us to lean in either direction, is it truly necessary?
We ask these questions in our capacity as your intermediary between
yourself and that which may not be yourself, but which may have
an interest in the matter of pump design. Because of the difficulties
these questions pose, PGPC has not yet decided upon a particular
Agnostic Pump design. For the time being, which may or may not
be forever, please select the least offensive of our other models.
The Baptist Pump
Truly a simple pump
for simple people. The Baptist Pump includes an instruction manual
with over 50 easy to follow illustrations, many of which are redundant.
Its oversized capacitor box has room to hide a full pint of Jack
Black. The installation kit also includes a Ted Kennedy face mask
which will protect your identity if you happen to run into another
member of your congregation while resupplying.
The Catholic Pump
To paraphrase Tom
Lehrer, "you may have to get down upon your knees and fiddle
with your rosaries" but you will never have to fiddle with
the Catholic Pump from PGPC. Designed specifically for Catholic
households, it carries a life time guarantee.* The basic model
transforms plain H2O into H2OLY while the premium unit produces
a somewhat proletarian yet drinkable red wine.
void upon excommunication. Not designed for use in pergatory.
The Christian Science
Do you believe that
a burned out light bulb can burn again? Are you unafraid of an
appendicitis? If so, you will love the Christian Science Pump.
Since it is self healing, repair parts are not available. And,
as an added bonus, you may may qualify for our Christian Scientist's
Anonymous, LLC health plan, which could come in handy just in
case you are wrong.
The Episcopal Pump
The Episcopal Pump
is similar to the Catholic Pump in design. It is, however, a bit
more refined and comes without nearly as many restrictions in
The Jehovah's Witness
You can knock on
doors for the rest of your life and never find a pump this good.
The ultimate in theocratic pumps, the Jehovah's Witness Pump answers
only to God. It was created on the eighth day when he was fully
rested, not on Saturday as were most others. Although other faiths
may describe their pumps as "bad" or "mean",
the Jehaovh's pump is totally devoid of wickedness.
The Jewish Pump
If you have a history
of wandering in the dessert without asking for directions, you
know the importance of pure, fresh water. The Jewish Pump is ideal
for the home or farm. Pig farmers love it! The salt water model
is perfect for raising shellfish right there in your own back
yard. The cost, you ask? Cheap!* You will probably save enough
to take your favorite princess to Miami or maybe even put that
kid through med school.
shown are firm, no bickering.
The Lutheran Pump
Do you think Garrison Keillor's
stories are totally factual? Do you believe butter to be a spice?
Does your choir believe volume to be a reasonable substitute for
tonality? Does a midlife crisis mean switching from the old hymnbook
to a new one? If you can answer yes to these questions you are
a perfect candidate for the Lutheran Pump. It is, without question,
the most humble of pumps and survives those Minnesota winters
without a single freeze up.
The Methodist Pump
The Methodist Pump
is an exact copy of the Baptist model. It does, however, include
The Mormon Pump
In a faith where
mothers often show up pregnant at their kid's weddings, a pump
really has to be long on performance. The Mormon Pump is definitely
up to the task. Each model is packaged with a spare that you can
store down there in the bomb shelter with all that other stuff
you are required to keep on hand. As a courtesy to those who may
be somewhat less saintly, we accept post dated checks on Sundays.
The Tao Pump
With proper care
the Tao pump's longevity can match the immortality of its owner.
It is an example of pure simplicity and is always in harmony with
the occurance of natural events even if those events are not in
harmony with the it. The Tao pump -- the natural choice for the
The Unitarian Pump
Need water? - No
problem. Don't need water? - No problem. The Unitarian Pump is
by far the most universal and flexible pump ever designed.
It just has that certain je ne sais quoi. Even if you are not
sure you really need a pump, it is the perfect choice. Its highly
advanced, voice activated computer control system allows you discuss
those philosophical, pump or not to pump, options to your heart's
Just how pure is
that olive oil you've been using all these years? Do you really
understand the difference between virgin and extra virgin? Well,
now you don't have to wonder because, with every pump ordered
this month, you will receive a free bottle of the "least
involved" olive oil available anywhere - - Immaculate Conception
Remember, when you
think purity - think Immaculate
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